I am up way too early, am damn thirsty and I feel about ten pounds lighter.
My mom will be calling you later Jenn to let you know how everything went. Pray for me? *winks*
TTFN
Here I sit on the day of the eve before my surgery and I’m not sure I want to do it. Oh, and I am so fucking hungry after a liquid diet that I might eat my own fucking arm.
Anyway, I was fine with the whole thing until I talked to my surgeon on Thursday last week. I had some questions that I hadn’t asked him before because, naturally, I wasn’t considering surgery. So, I asked him how many surgeries he’s performed. 4000. How many patients he’s lost. 3. It was then that he decided to offer the ways in which the three died. One I don’t remember, but the other two have stuck with me. One from pulmonary embolism (a very real complication that can happen after any surgery) and the other from heart failure (pre-existing heart condition). Those two have stuck with me and I am afraid that they may be why I am slowly talking myself out of a surgery that may very well improve my quality of life.
Yes, I have gotten a clearance from my cardiologist, however, my thought process leads me to believe that the person whom passed because of heart problems did as well. So, for some reason the positive thought everyone is using (Your surgeon wouldn’t do the surgery if he didn’t feel comfortable about it, right?) isn’t really working. Then again, I have to say that I don’t know if that one gentleman passed as a result of the surgery or if he passed because his heart went out long after. In any event, I am scared about the whole thing because of the palpitations I am having. My cardiologist thinks they are due to the extra weight and I am inclined to agree. He also thinks they will stop once I have lost some weight. Catch 22 there in my current mental state.
So, for all the reasons I have for wanting to do the surgery, I have really only one for not and it is the most important of them all. My son. I don’t like the idea that I very well might leave him tomorrow morning after he is on the bus and that will be the last time I am going to see him because of the surgery, but on the other hand, I don’t like the idea of not being able to see him grow up because I scared myself out of having surgery altogether.
All this being said, I have about nine hours to make a decision and contact my surgeon if I’m not gonna do it. :/
So, I’m thinking of starting a recipe blog. I have an old, really, really fucking old, cookbook that was my great-aunt’s back when she was in high school. I kinda wanna try out the recipes in there as well as the ones that she had to hand write out. Granted, after my surgery there’s not going to be much that I’ll be able to eat, but I can use Madden Man and T.T. as guinea pigs, right? There are, however, a few recipes that I will not try for the life of me (Hello Macaroni and Oysters), but there looks to be quite a few that they might enjoy.
Just a thought…
So, I did a little more research into the hospital that I am going to be having my surgery in and I feel pretty good about it. The only thing, as with any surgery, that I am worried about is myself. I am not worried about the caliber of my surgeon or the hospital, but my body and it’s ability to make it through surgery and recovery and all that. Now, I’m not thinking of the negative, but it does have to get thrown out there that there are a lot of things that could happen as a result of the surgery that I am scheduled to have.
One of the pluses that I have noted, though I haven’t checked with my surgeon just yet, is the fact that the entire thing could be done laparoscopically. That means a faster healing time and less scars, so I am feeling pretty okay with that, if it’s able to be done that way. But like I said, I haven’t yet talked to my surgeon about it, but I will be sure to ask.
I am going to be starting the whole pre-surgery high protein/no starch thing on Monday. Yeah, I should be doing that anyway, however, I have to indulge every now and then, right? I am not looking forward to the day before surgery diet though. Nothing but liquids and a laxative in the evening. *sighs* I have to stock up on some things when I go grocery shopping next week.
Anyway, all in all, I am fairly positive about the whole thing and I am looking forward to hearing what my cardiologist has to say about my heart on Monday. So, until then…
TTFN
Well…
I heard back from my WLSurgeon’s office this afternoon. I’ll be going in for surgery on March 10th. Now that’s a tentative date for me because I still have to go see the cardiologist and ultimately, he’s got the final say in if I can go through surgery or not. I truly am afraid. Not so much afraid of the surgery itself, but the fact that they can put you to sleep and wake your ass up with medication. That shit ain’t normal. *laughs*
My anxiety and all that seems to be doing alright at the moment. No, Jenn, it’s not kicked back up because Madden Man isn’t here. I was having problems with that long before he left. *sighs* At the moment, what may be happening is Madden Man will be going to Texas and getting a job and getting things set up and sending for T.T. and I. I only hope that if that is what happens that things will work out.
Anyway, I’m gonna keep this short… tired and ready for bed…
TTFN
So, I broke my resolution of posting at least three entries a week. No worries. I don’t really feel all that bad. Had a few things going on in the past week, so it’s all good.
Madden Man left for Houston on Tuesday and dammit, I miss him something awful. yeah, I’ve gotten used to it being just T.T. and I, but I still miss having him here. We have talked every day either via Yahoo! or phone, so I can’t complain about that part of it. So far, he’s having a blast being able to spend time with his mother after not having seen her for eleven years. His brother? Well, that’s another story best left for another time. Apparently, there are a hell of a lot of people who were a bit angry that he didn’t bring me along for the visit. *laughs* When he told them why I couldn’t join him (our ladies and finny babies), they more or less told him to screw the animals. *laughs* I have to say that made me feel good on an odd level.
Onto the house… What can I say besides it is a complete and total wreck. The amount of work it would take to fix this place up… well, it would be more than the house is worth in its current state. There is extensive water damage to the ceilings and walls, huge mother fucking cracks in the plaster of some parts of the ceilings, a chunk of the shit is gone in the master bedroom… I could go one and on, but I’ll only be successful in upsetting myself yet again. Suffice it to say that at the moment, with less than four and half months left before we want to move, we have no place to stay and no way to get out there. Oh, didn’t I mention that his mother has now said she might not be able to help us get a car? How she expects us to get out there with all our stuff, two (maybe three) cats and two fish is beyond me, but at this point, I have to have faith that things will work out and Madden Man can find us a place to stay.
So, in my last entry I told you, my two loyal readers, that I finally got a call back from the counseling center. I had my first appointment on Tuesday and it went well. The woman I saw has me doing daily affirmations and things of that nature. I have yet to write them down like she asked me to do, but I have been talking to myself in the mirror. Makes me feel fucking crazy, but on some level I think it’s working. My only complaint at the moment is that it’s dark when I get done and having to walk through a dark ass parking lot in the back of the building? Well, I don’t feel completely safe to say the least.
Let’s see… my oral surgery was put on hold due to the fact that I have been having heart palpitations and at this point my ENT doesn’t want to put me under without the okay from my cardiologist. I was able to make an appointment with them for the first. I am so hoping it’s nothing too serious with my heart. I am fucking scared, however, I have to keep believing that if it was something that was really serious, my doctor would have sent me to the emergency room after they did the EKG, however, that doesn’t soothe me too much when it comes to my heart. :/
Anyway, it’s fucking late, so I’m gonna head to bed…
TTFN
Well, I finally got a call back from the counseling center I called and have been able to make an appointment. I am seriously hoping they won’t recommend meds. I really don’t want to go that route if I don’t have to.
Still counting down the days until Madden Man leaves. I’m beginning to think that it’s possible that my anxiety is getting worse just because of that, but who knows?
TTFN
Madden Man will be off to Texas in a little over a week and honestly, I’m both looking forward to it and not so much. I am looking forward to it because it makes this whole moving thing seem that much more real. He’s supposed to be helping his mom with some things and looking into a few things that we’ll need to know, such as registering T.T. for school. I won’t be looking forward to it, however, because I will miss him. I have often thought over the last eight years that I wouldn’t mind if he left and all that, but the truth is, I will. It’s going to be odd not having him home at night and I am fairly certain that the first couple of nights I may not get a hell of a lot of sleep. My mum keeps telling me that I have been there before, meaning, that it was just T.T. and I when we first moved out. I know that, but I have had someone else with me for so long, it’s just not gonna be the same.
On another note, I have a pre-op appointment on Friday. I’m having laser surgery on my mouth to get rid of the leukoplakia(sp?) there. My mother’s going with me, so that might help the wait time to see the doctor go a little faster, but the fact remains that the wait time is fucking heinous when I go see this man. I do understand why the wait is so bad, but it’s still heinous. *laughs*
This is gonna be a short entry. I’m damn tired and my brain is all over the place at the moment. :/
TTFN
I forgot to mention that I took my son to get his ears pierced on Monday. He loves them, I love them, Madden Man loves them, my mother? Hates ‘em. *laughs*
*sighs*
Made phone calls this week and come to find out that for the counseling services I was referred to by our local Behavioral Health center, one charges $85 a session, while the other never called me back. So, I suppose I’m gonna have to suffer through anxiety until I get fed up with it and get meds from my doctor, which I really don’t wanna do, but if I have to, I have to.
I’ve also realized that I may come up short on my three posts this week. Damn, not even two full months into the year and already I might be breaking my resolution. Actually, the more I think about it, I might just post something ridiculous after this just to have one and then a post after that tomorrow… yeah, that’ll work. I’ll come back and post something like, “I like the sky when it’s blue”. *laughs* I am kidding about that. Why would I put up a nonsense post just to make a resolution? *winks*
TTFN
Ya know, for all the times I have wished that Madden Man would leave, it just hit me this evening how much I’m gonna miss him when he’s gone next month. I know why he’s going and why it is that I have to stay behind, but it’s not making it any easier.
In other news, my anxiety is kicking up again and I have no counselor I can go see since my insurance cut that part of coverage out. I may still call my old counselor and see if I can stop by and speak to her some time.
*sighs*
2010 is off to a rousing start as far as my health goes. I have a patch of psoriasis on the back of my head, not a big deal, but it is rather sensitive. Got a prescription for it.
I have to get some special shampoo due to the fact that for some reason or another, I am going bald on the sides of my head. I have always had a problem with the hair being thin there, but it’s to the point now where I swear I am getting self conscious about it.
And I have to go back and see my cardiologist. :/ Apparently since I had an EKG done back in October, one of the ventricles or valves or whatever in my heart is firing off prematurely causing palpitations. I swear, I was fucking worried about it until I did some research on treatment and all that. So, either, I’ll be on more meds or have to figure out a way to reduce the emotional stress that could be contributing to it… least I hope that’s all that’s going on. :/
My weight, however, is holding steady. Seriously. I have not lost or gained weight in the last something like four months. I am hovering at the same weight. So now my band is working in that sense, but I’m not losing any weight no matter what I do. :/ Madden Man and I walked four times a week (weather permitting as of late), a half mile each day and nothing. I’m not eating especially bad, but nada. No poundage falling away. I would complain, but honestly, I’m just thankful I’m not creeping up to 400 pounds again. I’ll take maintaining until my bypass surgery. Really I will.
Madden Man will be going to Texas for a couple weeks next month. It’ll be the longest and fartherst we’ve been away from each other since we got together almost eight years ago. He’s going to help his mom with some things and to check into some jobs and such he might be able to do once we get there permanently. While I’m looking forward to it, I’m gonna miss him too. It’s gonna be weird not having him here and truth be told, I get the feeling that T.T. and I might be spending a lot of that time at my mum’s. *laughs*
So, um… while I have yet to start the big cleaning jobs for the move, I have done some minor things. IK started putting the paperback books that I have read/won’t be reading anytime soon up on PBS. I don’t really want to be lugging a shiteload of books with me across the country, so I thought I’d give the books away to good home… and get some credits in the process. It’s a win/win situation. Don’t ya think? *winks*
Anywho, I’m gonna cut this short… things to do ya know.
TTFN
So, I just finished reading Acheron… took me a little over 48 hours, but it was worth it. I was a little disappointed that after the first half of the book the last read like all the others, but it was still an interesting read. I’m still determined to get through the mountain of books on my shelf, but sadly, I know that a lot of them will be put on paperback swap because I just won’t get to them… well that and I have grown to love hardcover books more than the paperbacks. Don’t get me wrong, there are paperbacks that I can deal with, however, the mass market ones, the ones with the small print? Fuck that. Those are hard to read even with my glasses, so I’m pretty much giving those up in favor of hardcover and the newer paperbacks that seem to be popping up. You know, those ones that are the size of a hardcover, just not with a hardcover?
In any event, now that I have finished that book, I’m fairly eager to get into the other two I have my eye on. Jenn, I’ve tried to read the B.A.D. books, but couldn’t get into them. For some reason they didn’t interest me. I’ve seen the Born series. Thought I might give them a try since I am in a kinda of reading mood lately. Figured I should take advantage of it while I can. *smiles* Anyway, at the moment, I’m trying to decide what it is I want to read next until I can get my hands on those two other SK books. So many to choose from, far too many.
Anyway, here’s to another few books moving from the unread shelf to the read shelf in the next few days. *smiles*
TTFN
I got a call back from my WLSurgeon’s office and they informed me that my insurance has approved a band removal as well as the removal of my gallbladder, however, they didn’t send back the approval or denial for the bypass. Apparently, the code that was submitted to my insurance company is not the one that came back. They are going to have to wait for their copy to see if possibly the code on mine isn’t a mistake and if it is, they’ll have to contact my insurance company to find out what’s going on and advise that my surgeon wants to do the bypass. Funnily enough, I’m neither angry or surprised that this happened. I spent the first two weeks of the year anxious and all that and I had to stop and think, “Why?” There’s no reason for it, so I’m doing my best to keep calm and all that shite.
In other news, I am finally catching up on my reading. I had bought a book three years ago for my birthday and it sat on my shelf until a couple of days ago. I recently got the 14th(?)(I am a couple behind, that’s all I know) book in the Dark-Hunters series and it has been screaming at me to read it, but I felt I should read the one before it. I did and damn, I was kinda sorry I waited so long to get to it. So, I am going to spend the next few days reading the one i got in the mail and see how that goes.
Here’s to hoping 700+ pages is worth the investment of my time. *smiles*
TTFN